Socially Awkward Horoscopes - Week of March 30, 2025

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Tuesday’s a slow-motion car crash: you’ll try to hype up your “epic” weekend to a stranger, only to realize you’re describing a 3-hour nap and a bag of stale chips. They’ll nod like they’re decoding a cry for help. By Friday, your attempt to dodge a boring convo with “Gotta jet!” will end with you jogging into a glass door—face first. Play it off like it’s avant-garde performance art.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You’re hoarding grudges this week like they’re expired coupons. Wednesday, you’ll stew over a friend borrowing your pen last month, then passive-aggressively gift them a 99-cent Bic with a hissed, “Keep it.” Saturday, your “relaxing” bath turns chaotic when you drop your phone in the tub and yell, “NOT AGAIN!” loud enough to scare the neighbor’s cat. Dry off and let it go, you soggy miser.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your brain’s a pinball machine on tilt. Monday, you’ll pitch a wild story about wrestling a raccoon, only to backtrack with, “Okay, it was a sock puppet, but still intense!” to a crowd that’s already checked out. Thursday, you’ll text “u up?” to the wrong number and get a sermon from a grandma about “youth today.” Lean into the chaos—it’s your only move.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You’re a walking therapy session nobody signed up for. Friday, you’ll sob into a sandwich at lunch because the deli guy said “Take care,” and you’ll mumble, “He gets me,” to your napkin. Later, you’ll try to hug a coworker goodbye, miss, and embrace a coat rack instead—then whisper, “You’re enough” to it. Dial back the feels before you drown in them.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Your ego’s writing checks your reality can’t cash. Tuesday, you’ll brag about your “killer” dance moves, then prove it by flailing to elevator music in a lobby—solo. By Sunday, you’ll misjudge a high-five at brunch, slap a waiter’s tray, and send pancakes flying while shouting, “I’m a legend!” You’re not wrong, just… loud about it.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your control freak streak goes haywire. Thursday, you’ll alphabetize your fridge, then snap at a roommate for grabbing ketchup out of turn—“K comes after J, Dave!” Saturday, you’ll overanalyze a “hi” from a cashier into a 20-minute spiral about whether they hate you. Spoiler: They don’t. Stop turning mustard into a conspiracy.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You’re chasing harmony and landing in quicksand. Monday, you’ll mediate a spat by saying, “Both sides are valid,” only to realize it’s about socks and you’ve just endorsed chaos. Friday, your “smooth” wink at a barista will look like a twitch, and you’ll overexplain with, “I’m not dying, just flirty!” as they back away. Balance is a myth—embrace the wobble.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Your mystique’s on a glitchy loop. Wednesday, you’ll lean into a dark corner at a party, sipping water like it’s whiskey, only to choke and spray it on a houseplant while coughing, “I’m fine, I’m deep.” Sunday, you’ll try to read someone’s aura, point at their shirt, and say, “I see pain,” when it’s just a mustard stain. You’re not psychic—you’re messy.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You’re a runaway train of optimism. Tuesday, you’ll declare, “This is MY year!” while slipping on a banana peel outside a gas station—irony’s got your number. By Friday, you’ll oversell a hiking story, claiming you “fought nature,” when you just got a splinter and whined for 20 minutes. Keep the energy, just not the splinters.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Your grind’s a comedy of errors. Thursday, you’ll march into a meeting with a “power stance,” only to realize your fly’s down and your tie’s in your coffee. Saturday, you’ll try to impress a date with “I’m all about goals,” then blank on your own hobbies and say, “Uh… sitting?” Work hard, but zip up first.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Your oddball charm’s in overdrive. Monday, you’ll build a tinfoil hat “for fun” at work, then wear it all day because “it’s a statement.” Friday, you’ll ramble about parallel universes to a Lyft driver, who’ll mutter, “I’m in one now,” and drop you off early. You’re a glitch in the matrix—own it, hat and all.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You’re lost in a fog of your own making. Wednesday, you’ll hum a made-up song about clouds at the DMV, then realize everyone’s staring and pivot to, “It’s for a… play?” Saturday, you’ll try to sketch a stranger’s portrait on a napkin, hand it over, and watch them recoil when it’s just a squiggle with eyes. Dream on, you blurry genius.